Gifting Your Child The Struggle.

 

Gifting Your Child The Struggle.

“The greatest gift you can give someone is the power to be successful.                                           Giving people the opportunity to struggle rather than giving them the things they are struggling for will make them stronger.”

― Ray Dalio, Principles: Life and Work.

Nineteen years ago, I was expecting my first child. It had taken us a while to get pregnant with our first as I had undiagnosed health problems, so we were delighted with the news. We did everything that most first-time parents did, buying equipment, as well as babyproofing everything because that is what good parents do, right?

Our bouncing baby girl arrived, and I was a focused and dedicated parent. Monitoring every aspect of her life and making sure that her every need was attended to. Life went on and we continued to extend the family with four more children, three boys, and another girl. As my family grew and aged, I began to observe and learn about what was helping them to grow and what was stopping them from growing.

As time went on, I realized that the better and more efficient parent I became, the more often I disadvantaged my children. To make sure that my children were happy, healthy, comfortable, and safe I was preventing them from experiencing all aspects of life. I was undermining their confidence and I was denying them the tools they needed to thrive. Let me explain.

I wanted my children to spend their childhood happy, playing, and chasing butterflies and bubbles, and I still want that. However, I also want my children to be well-equipped for the world that will greet them when they emerge from under my wing. 

When my daughter was about 9 years old, I struggled to get her out of the door for school in the mornings. It was a constant, stressful battle, especially when I was expecting number four. It was intense. She was more than capable but just would not up her game. Then I realized something, I was making her life so easy that she never had to take responsibility or face any consequences. When she forgot her jumper, I delivered it (half an hour round-trip). When she forgot her homework, I helped her to avoid detention by delivering it to her. When she refused to do her hair, I made us all late by ensuring it was done so that others would not make fun of her. When she forgot her lunch, I delivered it to make sure that she did not go hungry. Jackets, field trip slips, payments, and the list continues.

Keep children's feet on the ground by giving responsibility.

What was I afraid of? 

My daughter’s discomfort? 

Yes, of course! I would kill for her, and I would die for her. 

However, I became aware of something else going on too, I was afraid of being judged as a ‘bad’ parent. This was not just about her; this was about me too. My parent-ego was getting in the way of my child’s evolution and growth. Once I realized this and contemplated how I was denying my guys these valuable life lessons where they could learn and grow, things changed. My daughter went hungry, she had detention, she got cold, and I will tell you something else, she only did it once! My boys coming up in the ranks learned fast too, actions have consequences.

Similarly, with housework, by feeling guilty about asking them to help with daily tasks, I realized that I was not teaching them how to look after themselves. The chore chart was born. It worked well for a while but then fell flat and arguments began. 

What was I good at? Positive-Parenting. 

What was I bad at? Dishing out consequences! 

Now if your set task is not fully completed, without being asked then you face consequences. (Electronic suspension etc.) It is working like a charm. I told them that when they get a job in the real world, they must complete the tasks they have agreed to or else they will not receive their pay. Relating it to the real world in this way seemed to hit a nerve with them and made sense. Things are running a lot more smoothly, and they are learning and preparing to run a home of their own one day. That is my job, to prepare them for life.

Another thing that I was doing mistakenly out of pure love was to jump in and defend them far too quickly. I then took a huge step back. When incidents happen at school, by jumping in too quickly (which at times is completely appropriate depending on the severity of the event) you are silently communicating to your child, “I do not believe that you are equipped to handle this situation so I will have to do it for you.” 

Wow, what a crazy shoot down to self-esteem and self-reliance. I now take a deep breath and say, “Ok, so what are your options here?” Sometimes they will react by saying that they do not know, to which I reply, “Yes you do. You are a strong and intelligent young person, and you are perfectly capable of solving this yourself, so what are you going to do?” 90% of the time they fix it themselves (with discussion) and go out into the world better prepared for next time.

It is also an interesting perspective when asking them what their part in the situation was and if they have to own any part of the problem and how this could be improved. 

The other 10% of the time I will have to be their backup and help them to close the issue. If this happens, I explain how my husband and I do this for each other as adults and that everybody needs support at one time or another and that there is certainly no shame in it.

My role as one of the leaders of my family is to ensure that my children have the opportunity to experience age-appropriate struggles while they are still under my protection. As hard (sometimes excruciating) as it can be to see them struggle, at least they can develop the tools needed to navigate successfully through these hardships and challenges with us firmly by their side as their safety net. The biggest travesty for me as a parent would be to see my precious kids face challenges that are not prepared for once they have left the safety from beneath my wing, and they have no resources to draw upon to carry them successfully through. That is when I would feel like I had failed.

The result of allowing (yes, allowing) my kids to really struggle, fully supported, during some really dark times in our lives, has resulted in us having the most extraordinary, wise, resilient, strong, level-headed kids who can stand firmly on their own two feet. By getting out of the habit of baby-proofing every aspect of their lives, I have given them the gift of experience and wisdom. This is something that cannot be taught, it must be lived.

These foundations have made living with teens so much easier to navigate through and have given them the tools to deal with some very challenging situations. Whatever is thrown their way, no matter how seemingly impossibly intense and scary it is, we know that they’ve got it, and the knowledge of our faith in them to survive and thrive, gives them the confidence they need to carry them through. Believe me, when I say, this can be lifesaving.

Helping your child to get world-ready:

• Allow them to take responsibility for their actions.

• Allow them to face consequences.

• Give them responsibilities to help them to grow.

• Resist jumping in too soon to resolve their conflicts/challenges, allow them to develop their own toolbox of tried and tested responses.

• Always care for your child and keep them out of danger, but do not stop them from experiencing life. Better they face challenges while they are with you for support and guidance than go out in the world unprepared and vulnerable.

• Tell your children about their skills, strengths, and gifts often. Show them that you believe in them and they will believe in themselves.

• Support and guide but let them find their own answers if possible. This is a vital skill for navigating the world.

• Have faith in your child. You have raised a good one! Trust that you are preparing them for life and let them live it!

-Cathy.