What should I do if my child needs a mental health day?

What should I do if my child needs a mental health day?

 

If your child needs a mental health day but you cannot take time off from work, what should you say (or not say) to get them in a good mindset to go to school?

Mental health days are so important for adults and children alike, but due to the ever-increasing demands on our schedules, I also understand that it is not always possible to truly honor them. It is so important to acknowledge how your child is feeling and acknowledge the struggle they are going through at that moment. We want to create an environment where we prioritize mental well-being as much as possible within the confines in which we find ourselves. So, here are some practical things we can do as parents to help our child get into a good mindset on a tough day:

·  Listen to them.

·  Demonstrate to them that they’ve been seen, heard, and understood. You can do this by:

•  Repeating back to them what they have told you as confirmation that you are fully present. 

• You can acknowledge and name their feelings and reassure them on their validity and that they have been understood.

• You can highlight all their strengths and how these can carry them through this challenge.

·  Explain the reasons why a day at home that day is not possible.

·  Remind them of their strengths, successes, and the times they have demonstrated resilience.

·  Respond to them with empathy; discuss things they can focus on to help support them through the day.

·  Share some age-appropriate examples of when you have had to dig deep and get through a tricky time.

·  Make plans for after school that they can focus on to help them through the day.

·  Love them and reassure them that they can do this, and that you are proud of them and will hold space for them later in the day.

How can you tell if your child needs a mental health day—even if they have not said so?

·  This is very personal for each family and each individual child. For our family, we have five children who are all very different. One may become uncooperative, another may become withdrawn, a third could be outwardly emotional. 

·  Stay tuned in to your kids and how they are showing up and trust your instincts. If you feel that something is up, then you are most likely right.

·  Always be aware of what your kids are saying and what they are not saying.

·  They may talk about an upset directly, or they may be overly vague about certain friends, their projects, or their feedback on how school is going.

·  They may be exasperated and overwhelmed by the busyness of school and could appear tired and sluggish.

·  You know your child better than anyone. Trust yourself.

·  Please also be kind to yourself if your child has been struggling and you have missed it due to your own stress.

·  It is important for our kids to see that we do not always get things right.

·  If this is the case, the most important thing to do is to apologize for having been distracted.

·  Assure them that their thoughts and feelings are your priority and start actively offering support from that point.

What are signs to look out for that signal your child may need a mental health day? What are ways to increase support at home when you notice?

·  They may become uncooperative.

·  They may become withdrawn.

·  They may become outwardly emotional.

·  Their appetite may change.

·  They may seem tired and apathetic.

·  They may have physical symptoms, such as a tummy ache.

·  They may present as irritable.

·  Things that usually cheer them may lose their effect.

 

As you can see, there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ answer for this. The more ‘in-tune’ we can be with our kids, the more chances we have of picking up the signs. Trust your parental instincts.

·  Having FUN is essential. Laughter is healing and energizing.

·  Listen to uplifting music.

·  Watch an inspiring film.

·  Read together.

·  Weave connection time into your everyday schedule. For example, a purposeful (pressure-free) chat while preparing dinner, walking the dogs, driving home, or folding the washing can be a great way to plug into how your child is feeling and what is going on with them. These times are often a godsend for a busy parent as they can easily be applied, even on a busy day.

If your child needs a mental health day but you cannot take time off from work, should you call the school and give your child’s teacher a heads up? Why or why not? Any differences in going about this for teenagers vs elementary age students?

This is very dependent on your relationship with the school, and it does vary with the child’s age and personality.

Assuming that your school and teacher are supportive and prioritize well-being, for younger children, I would absolutely email, call, or write a note to explain that your child is having a challenging time and may need extra support, and even some quiet time within the school day if possible.

This way, any behaviors your child demonstrates are less likely to be misinterpreted. It is likely to set your child and their teacher up for a successful day by communicating the situation.

For older children, it becomes trickier. I have made an occasional highly private and confidential phone call alerting staff to the struggles of my older teen, with the understanding that it was strictly between the teacher and myself.

It is tough parenting older teens. You want to give them space to grow, while making sure they are fully supported. It is a complex space to navigate, and you should trust your instincts with each unique situation.

Certainly, with my much older teens, it became inappropriate for me to intervene as much. I had to trust that the self-care and problem-solving skills I had taught them throughout their childhood were sufficient to carry them through. I had to trust them and their ability to get through difficult days. I remained highly alert to them in all ways during these times in order to show up, step forward, and be the support that they needed through that time.

When I work with families, my main role is to connect them powerfully to their inner guidance systems and intuition so they can feel confident making these calls on behalf of their children when the need arises.

Trust yourself, lean into what you feel aligned with as your way forward, and make decisions from that place of knowing.

If your child needs a mental health day but you cannot take time off from work, what are things to do to ensure they have a good morning? Have a good day at school? Feel good/supported after school?

·  Taking the time to remind your child of all their qualities, achievements, and the times that they have overcome challenges is useful.

·  Being able to sympathize and relate can be helpful, as well as sharing strategies of how to help themselves get through the day.

·  It could help them to have a plan for after the school day to look forward to, such as when we get home, we can wash off our days, get into our pjs and watch a movie together with some popcorn, snuggled up in front of the fire, or whatever is appropriate.

·  This can give them a focus throughout the day to support them in getting through the day ahead.

·  The most important thing is to make them feel seen, heard, and understood. We want them to be secure in knowing that their thoughts and feelings have been validated.

What are some concrete ways to make self-care and mindfulness a regular part of your child’s routine at home?

 •   Playing relaxing guided meditations at bedtime.

•    Supporting energy health with soothing essential oils. 

•    Making sure they get good quality rest.

•    Providing healthy meals and snacks as great nutrition supports good mental health.

•    Engaging in play that requires mindfulness, such as coloring, Lego, Play-doh, puzzles, etc., can help to calm your child’s (and your) nervous system.

•    Spending time in nature is a gorgeous way to soothe the mind, body, and soul.

Does journaling help ease anxiety, etc? What are some recommended prompts? Is it something to do together as a family and share? Encourage to do solo? Or both? Explain why/why not.

Journaling is a very personal process, and it may not suit all children or personalities.

I certainly love to do free writing, but for some (my kids included) it can sometimes feel like a chore.

During my years of teaching, I would have a “Thoughts Box” in my classroom. The box was red (the power color). This was a sacred space where my students could write privately to me regarding their ideas, thoughts, or concerns. Only I was allowed to open it.

This was a great way to keep an open dialogue with them, particularly on busy days. It helped me stay updated on how they were feeling.

Pillow Post at home is just as fun and effective. These are great ways to capture snapshots of what is happening with them, as it encourages even deeper connection between you. This is a gorgeous way to ensure that your child feels cherished, valued, and loved. I have written my children ‘Pillow Post’ (written correspondence to be slipped under their pillow as a surprise) cards and letters through the years, and they have kept them into their adult years. The words that we gift to our children matter.

With older kids, writing things down can be a source of comfort if it is facilitated in a supportive way.

You could review their list together and help them to reframe anything they are struggling with. For example, if they say, “I am terrible at math,” you could reframe that to, “I am courageous in math every day. I ask for help and I will improve over time. I need to remember how far I have come and celebrate every bit of progress I make.”

With teens, their journaling would need to have the protection of privacy for it to be effective. They get to share with you — or not — the details that they choose to.

Whatever sharing takes place must happen in an environment that is safe and judgment-free. Intention is so important here.

For example, if we want to get insights into how our child is thinking or feeling, and then berate them for using swear words in their expression of self, they are likely to shut down and learn that sharing from a place of raw honesty will be punished.

I am not suggesting that we do not teach our children to be respectful — not at all! — but I am suggesting that a raw expression of self may not be the appropriate moment to teach that lesson, and the focus should rather be on the courageous sharing of their inner thoughts and feelings.

What type of support system should you encourage your students to create/seek out at school? Explain how to help them find this support with both peers and teachers/staff . . .

·  Identify trusted adult confidantes, and this does not necessarily have to be the class teacher. There are so many wonderful supports in schools, the librarians, the support workers, the lunch time staff, the school counselor, the administrative staff, the school nurse, another teacher in the school, volunteers, etc. Make a list that they can refer to during challenging times.

·  Helping to identify peers who are kind and supportive is also great. Discussing the qualities of a good friend, how to find one and how to be one, is a great way to unpack what good friends look like, so they are more easily identifiable for your children.

·  Close friends of the family or close relatives can also be a tremendous source of support. Encouraging these connections during happy times can be truly helpful to establish solid foundations for times when extra support may be needed.

·  The best time to make this list is when your child is happy.

What are tips for creating balance in your after-school and weekend routines? How do you make sure your kids do things like homework but also can decompress, have alone time, etc?

·  Having tick charts can be a great way to organize and maximize free time. Clearly identifying the steps (chores, tasks, etc.) required to be completed before free time can be a great and empowering motivator.

·  Having time allocated for free time, (gaming, reading, playing, watching tv), connection time (having dinner together), and chill time (away from electronics to wind down) can form a routine that can be a source of comfort and safety and can also serve as the beginnings of self-regulation.

·  Having unstructured time just to “be” is so important for our children’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Not every minute of every day needs to be (or should be) scripted.

·  Having some spontaneous time is super fun. There are times when we need to just kick back! This can help with mental well-being, perspective, and mental health. It reminds us that we were not put on this earth only to get grades on paper, we are meant for so much more than that!

·  Having those times now and then when we throw caution to the wind, write a note to the teacher about incomplete homework, and have some unexpected freedom, fun, and new experiences reminds us of why we are working so hard in the first place!

How can you help your kids take inventory of their major stressors? What are your tips for helping them ease or remove them?

·  Helping them to tune into their feelings is a great place to start. If they have uncomfortable feelings about a particular situation at school, work with them to figure out why. Help them to identify, explore and unpack why they are feeling that way and talk through ways that they would feel more supported moving forward.

·  Listening is so important, and when our child tells us something of importance to them, it is so vital that we do not jump straight in with possible solutions.

·  Allow them the space to begin thinking through the solutions that would work for them. This can be a very empowering moment for our child, as they understand that we believe that they are wise, capable, and clever enough to figure out some strategies that would be useful moving forward. We can add to these, but we should let our children take the lead where possible.

·  Listening intently and taking seriously everything our children say is such a gift for them. They may tell us things that we feel are minor, but for them it likely feels like a big deal and so we need to meet them where they are, not from the point where we are.

·  Helping them get some perspective, with love, regarding the situation can be helpful. This must be done sensitively as we do not want to belittle their experience or appear patronizing. For example, one of my children had a meltdown over some (pretty terrible) test results. I held space for their feelings and allowed them to explain how they felt. Once they had expressed themselves fully, I reminded them of who they were, all their amazing qualities, and how they were so much more than a grade on a piece of paper. I then assured them that it was very unlikely that when they became an adult, anyone would ask them what they achieved in a standardized test in grade five! They would be interested in who they were if they were a good, honest, hardworking, and kind person. Perspective can be empowering.

How important is it to create a culture of open expression in your home?

·  It is essential to have a home that adopts a sacred and safe environment within which anything and everything is shared, without judgment.

·  The things our children tell us when they are little are crucial, not necessarily for the content, but for the habit, they are building of coming to us with their questions, stories, joys, and concerns. 

·  This is absolutely establishing a routine of them trusting us with their innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

·  These foundations will be essential for when our kids are older teens as the habit to confide in us has been firmly established and will serve us well in supporting them as they navigate life which becomes increasingly away from us.

·  It is never too late to establish this atmosphere of trust.

·  If we are trying to establish this culture for the first time with much older kids, then we must give of ourselves first.

·  If we want our kids to open up to us, we need to trust them with our (age-appropriate) inner thoughts and feelings first.

·  This kind of intricate communication cannot be demanded, it must be nurtured and cultivated over time, but it is so worth it —  and in the most extreme examples, can be lifesaving.

·  This is a very personal journey and parents should tap into their intuition and deal with each situation and child on a case-by-case basis.

·  I had two very long and intense separate conversations with two of my children recently, and the irony was that each child needed to hear the completely opposite message from me than the other!

·  That is the complexity of parenting in a nutshell, and why it is so important for us as parents to trust ourselves.

Most adults are just as stressed and in need of mental health days too. What do you recommend regarding how much to share with kids about your own stress, your own need for a mental health day, etc too? And how/when should you share this?

·  It is vital that we ‘walk the talk’ when it comes to raising our children.

·  A sharing of age-appropriate honesty when entering communication with our children is essential.

·  They need to see us as humans, having a human experience and the more we can model navigating through challenge and adversity, the more they will develop the tools and courage to find their way through their own tricky chapters.

·  We do not want to burden them with adult problems, but we don’t want to shelter them from everything either. To do so is to prevent them from an important opportunity to learn and grow through our example.

What other activities, routines, convo starters, etc should be part of your regular routine to help your kids cope/manage big emotions, etc so that they are prepared in the event a mental health day is needed but not possible?

·      It is OK to have any thought or feeling, however uncomfortable, and it should be encouraged to be shared in a non-judgemental space.

·      Validating big feelings and emotions is essential and giving our kids safe boundaries and ways to express these feelings is also important. For example, It is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to express that anger by hurting another.

·  We give ‘Date Vouchers’ to our kids. We have five kids, and my husband works away three out of four weeks every month, so it is essential that we purposefully carve out time for our children. They get three vouchers each, 1) Date with Mom, 2) Date with Dad, and 3) Date with Mom and Dad. These are precious times for us, and even our much older teens love to receive them. It focuses their minds on opportunities for us to connect with them in meaningful ways. It also reinforces the fact that we may be crazy-busy, but we prioritize connecting with them. They get to cash these in (within the guidelines we have established) and when they are used, more are given! These are wonderful opportunities for connecting and discovering where they are in their lives.

·  Building chat time into the open space in the schedule like driving time, dinner time, exercise time, etc., is a simple way to establish a sustainable routine and great ongoing opportunities for communication.

·  Bedtime is always a good time to get to the bottom of things. If you want your kids to tell you their worries, ask them just before bed and they will gladly give you their detailed life stories — anything to delay bedtime!

·  Connecting over a TV series, a game, a book, a hobby, an exercise routine, etc., can be a great way to encourage spontaneous conversation and build bonds between family members. This is particularly important to do with our children with whom we have less in common.

·  Establishing great nutrition, exercise, rest, and mindfulness when things are going well can help to carry us through the times when things are not going quite so well. This is important because often when we feel low, we lack the motivation to do the things that will help us feel better. If we have the routines already established, we have a greater chance of not falling into unwellness, as well as helping us get through it quicker when we do.

Should you plan for and mark mental health days on the calendar for your kids? What are the benefits of having it scheduled? How often—monthly? Each semester? Once a school year? What should be planned—if anything—for those days?

·  Mental health needs to be our priority for our children and ourselves every day.

·  By establishing supportive routines, as mentioned above, as part of our everyday lives, we can help to keep ourselves healthy in all ways.

·  Again, this is a very personal choice. We take mental health days as and when they are needed and are dedicated to being in tune with our bodies and our needs at all times.

When socio-economic hardships impact the idea of taking mental health days—tips/thoughts on how parents can alleviate the stress it may cause them?

First, we need to be kind to ourselves as parents for doing the best we can on any given day, the most important thing is that we keep showing up and keep doing our best. It is important for our kids to see this self-love and kindness so that they have permission to do the same for themselves.

Next, we can focus on the things we can do for free with our kids to have fun. 

  ·   Go to the park after school.

·  Play a board game together.

·  Go for a walk in nature.

·  Watch a movie together.

·  Share a hot chocolate and chat together when at home.

·  Visit the local library.

·  Enjoy a hobby together.

·  Volunteer together.

·  Exercise together.

Also, focus on all the things you are getting right and all the ways you can celebrate yourself and your family. Communicate with the school, your support people, and each other, and work as a team to get through challenging times.

Shortly after we emigrated, our family was unemployed for ten months. It was a very challenging and stressful time for us in all ways, particularly financially. It was essential during this time that we stayed focused on what was going right and be grateful for every single thing in our lives. It was also important to remind ourselves, and each other, that that was only one chapter in our ultimate success story which was what we needed to keep moving forward, keep positive, and keep trying.

Be brave and ask for help and support when you need it.

Be kind to yourself and stay connected to yourself and to each other.  Know that you are the perfect parent for your child, and you already possess the innate wisdom and skills needed to carry them through it all beautifully.