How NOT to Raise a Jerk.

How NOT to Raise a JERK!

By Cathy Domoney.

Since I have never been one to mince words—and since I know that all parents have limited time and zero bandwidth to spare—I’ll get right to it: Rule number one of not raising a jerk is to tell your kid when they are being a jerk!  

There’s more to it, of course, but this really is the heart of the matter. It’s a simplistic way to communicate a very detailed, strategic, carefully designed approach I’ve developed over two decades of trial and error, and which I will outline below … but you get the gist.

And why did I spend 20 years of my own life exploring the best ways to parent non-jerks? Because I’ve watched far too many kids blossoming into bullies and brats, and far too many parents struggling to mold them back into decent human beings. This happens because the way that we have been told to parent is wrong. The overwhelming noise from all the parenting experts out there has undermined our ability to raise our children strategically and to prepare them to become the leaders that humanity so desperately needs. 

That said, there is no one way to raise a child. To suggest that this weakens the essential distinctiveness that we should each be harnessing within our own families. Parents continue to be removed from their innate instinct of how they need to show up to raise their children, and this disconnect from the truth can be measured in the rise of mental health issues among young people. As parents, we need to show up as the exceptionally dynamic, inspired, and connected people that our children need. We need to parent as ourselves, in our own unique ways.

So I’ve reminded you that experts are spouting a bunch of bite-sized, convenient, self-congratulatory parenting advice that’s undermining us and ruining our kids. And yet I’m also insisting that there’s no single right way to raise a kid. If you’re wondering how on earth to reconcile those two ideas, allow me to help: we need to move away from the hodgepodge of parenting tactics, and instead use a handful of Parenting Principles to guide our actions. Those principles can be interpreted and applied in our families however feels best to us, allowing for the flexibility we need to parent AS OURSELVES. 

It's time to reclaim our authority as parents so that we can raise our kids in such a way that unleashing their potential is inevitable. But first …

Why are we raising jerks right now?

The current generation of jerks is coming into maturity due to a whole bunch of parental confusion. Infinite possibilities for our kids’ divine right to be happy has been misinterpreted as entitlement. Discipline has been miscommunicated as withdrawal and punishment. The boundaries between child-centered and child-indulgent practices have been blurred unrecognizably.

Dedicating yourself to your child has been miscommunicated as the need to sacrifice yourself for your child. (The two are not the same thing at all and have completely different results when administered.)

Love is used only when it's easy. This has produced an ‘us versus them’ mentality which has fragmented us as a collective and led to a self-centered, self-serving faction of society. In the culture born of this mentality, each participant arrogantly clings to their position of being right which results in further polarization, isolation, anger, and violence. By using love only when it suits us, parents are keeping this dynamic alive and well. But we don’t have to perpetuate it. What is extraordinarily badass is when we dig into and through our own pain to reach the person on the other side and find a resolution rooted in love. No matter who that person on the other side may be, or how inconvenient it may be to offer love to them. 

That philosophy, my friends, is not for the fainthearted. And it is epically revolutionary for our kids.

Leading with love is the first and most important Parenting Principle I can offer you. But I’ve got a few more up my sleeve, too.

The guiding principles we desperately need

My 20+ years of experience in teaching, counseling, psychology, sociology, hypnotherapy, coaching, and raising my own five children has given me a truckload of insight into parent-kid dynamics. I’ve seen time and again that combining each parent’s unique style and strengths with a few core philosophies creates leaders. And builds strong, healthy families.

My extensive experience working with and raising children has led me to identify, unpack, and redefine the fundamental structures that every parent can use in their own families. And as I said earlier, I want each parent to apply them in their own unique way to create kids who can reach their full potential and are well on their way to realizing their dreams. Kids who are NOT jerks. In addition to leading with love, these principles are:

INTEGRITY: acting as if someone is watching to see if we are doing what is right, even when there is nobody there to witness our behavior. Doing the right thing, even when our knees shake. Remembering the right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

HONESTY: Speaking the truth, with love even when it means that we portray ourselves in a less-than-desirable light. Yes, he did hit me, I lost my temper and broke his toy. He was wrong to hit me, but I was wrong to break his toy.

RESPECT: I do not agree with what you are saying parent, and I feel that you are being unfair. However, I understand that you are making that decision from a loving place. I am going to politely express my disagreement but out of my respect for you, I will accept your judgment.

HARD WORK: getting a ‘D’ grade when you have shown dedication and effort means more than acing ‘A’ grades with no effort at all. The world is indeed your oyster, but every dream needs more than natural talent and passion, it needs resilience, dedication, and focus.

KINDNESS: As you go into the world, assume that everyone is doing their very best. Assume that the person that was rude to you is struggling with grief, assume that the person who snapped at you in the line at the store has had their heart broken. Spend your time looking for reasons to be connected, rather than offended.

LOYALTY: When you are standing with a group of people having a joke, or being mean about a mutual friend or acquaintance,  have the courage to speak. ‘I have never had a problem with him/her/them personally.’ or ‘He/she/they have always been fine with me.’ Your silence can imply your agreement. Behave the way you would hope others would behave on your behalf and in your absence.

When our kids are not held to their highest potential of integrity, honor, and divinity they become disconnected from their core of greatness, and from their global community. The real pandemic infiltrating humankind is one of consistently applied apathy, entitlement, and lack of personal integrity. The only sustainable way forward is to unveil and amplify the brilliance of the individual and value their connection to self, and do so with the love that only a parent can bring. We need to help our children envision and embrace their vital role in the evolution and elevation of humanity.

This is the most exciting time in history, as the old paradigm of raising, teaching, and interacting with our children is falling away into extinction. The future demands that we redefine what is considered paramount in preparing our youth to become the dynamic leaders of the future. 

I am here to disrupt the status quo, and birth a new paradigm where every child, regardless of circumstance, is gifted the pillars of leadership, integrity, and honor that the future of governance demands. It’s time we started valuing individual character and divinely purposed innate gifts as sacred to a child’s development.  It’s time we abolished the traditional model of education where the grades of a person are valued more highly than their character. This is how we relinquish jerks to the past where they belong and successfully raise the outstanding humans that we know to be among us, just waiting for us to show up.

This is how we raise the next generation of compassionate geniuses. This is how we save the world. One magnificent child at a time.

-Cathy.