It Takes a Village.

 

It Takes a Village.

“Regardless of what else he is, he is still a child, as they all are. And don’t all children deserve to be protected? To be loved and nurtured so that they may grow and shape the world to make it a better place? In that way, they are no different than any other child in the village, or beyond. But they’re told they are, by people such as yourselves, and people who govern them and our world. People who put rules and restrictions in place to keep them separated and isolated. I don’t know what it will take to change that if anything. But it won’t start at the top. It’ll start with us.”

― T.J. Klune, The House in the Cerulean Sea

My daughter had been having difficulty with a girl at school. This girl “Mary” became a bit of a stalker and it became quite intense.

It was manageable during school hours, but it was the constancy of exchanges on Instagram that became overwhelming. 

Relentless messages from Mary accusing my daughter of bad behavior. Mary snapped a photo of my daughter’s private messages, where she revealed her crush and then proceeded to show him. Not cool. In the end, we advised our daughter to block Mary, at which point the girl jumped onto my account. Yikes, it was intense.

A meeting was held at school and the cyber issue was resolved. Several minor incidents occurred thereafter, but nothing that we could not handle.

Then, one day my daughter came home from school furious. We sat down as I listened to the drama that had unfolded that day. Mary had taken a rotten piece of fruit and had thrown it at one of Skye’s classmates. This child was very shy, a bit of a recluse, an easy target. The fruit hit him. He did not respond and simply continued staring at the floor. My daughter then flew into action (she has a strong moral compass).

“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.” – Alfred Adler.

Having been bullied many times herself, my daughter has zero tolerance for bullying in any way, shape, or form. She ran over to see if the lad was okay. He smiled, thanked her, and said that he was fine. She then marched quick-smart over to Mary and confronted her. She told her that it was bullying and in no way acceptable and if it happened again, she would report her. 

Mary responded by telling my daughter how hard her life was compared to Skye’s. Mary was from a single-parent (with chronic health issues) family, with difficult siblings, and lots of daily challenges to navigate.

I sat and listened to my daughter’s (justified) outrage. 

Then I responded in a way that shocked her. I replied by telling her that Mary was right. My daughter sat dumbfounded. Demanding a reason for my opinion, she listened as I explained that Mary was right and that my daughter did indeed have an ‘easy life’. 

I compared her life to Mary’s life and told her that there was no comparison. I explained that it did not justify or excuse what Mary had done and praised my daughter for standing up for what was right. However, it didn’t change the fact that Mary faced many more challenges in life than my daughter, and perhaps Mary didn’t have the same sort of attention and guidance Skye receives.

I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is to be a single parent, and I take my hat off to them. They have my deepfelt respect and admiration. I felt that Mary was a little lost at that time, and I imagined what I would do if they were not stranger, but in fact my family.

I went to the school and explained the background that we had with Mary as well as the past incidents. I explained that we had noticed on Instagram how sad her posts often were. The most challenging thing that I faced in the school was trying to explain to them that I was not there to complain about Mary, I was there to inform them that I felt that she was struggling.

 I was finding it quite challenging to get my point across. I was asked if I felt that Mary was acting out to get attention. Absolutely! was my reply, so how about we give her some before it’s too late? 

Mary was isolated from her peers, and every attempt to infiltrate a group was isolating her further. She had incredibly low self-esteem and spent her time attacking those around her, verbally and physically, to gain some control and leverage with her peers. 

Unfortunately, this achieves the polar opposite of what Mary was wanting most of all, connection. She was generally melancholy and found it difficult to see all her many qualities, she needed someone to help her.

The school still seemed perplexed as to why I was at school telling them these concerns about a child who was not my own. 

Does a child have to be from me for me to care and worry for them? 

Not in my universe!

Finally, the words that helped them to understand my intention to help Mary was this. “I’m alerting you to the fact that Mary needs some guidance and help. I am asking the school to please ‘plug in’ to her life. Today, I am here as Mary’s substitute mother.”

I hope that if ever the need arises, someone would do the same for any of my five children.

What I learned from this experience is that our kids need to be equipped with tools to help them empathize with another’s plight. 

To see past the behavior they may not like or understand there may be a real and justifiable cause.

As a child empowerment consultant, I am passionate about teaching children empathy.

(FYI: ‘Mary’ became unexpectedly homeless and ended up moving in with us for nearly two years. Love is not just for when it’s easy, love cuts through our apparent discord and connects us in magical ways that carry us through life. It takes a village…)

Tips for teaching empathy at home:

• *Listen to what your child has to say.

• *Discuss the situation at hand from your child’s point of view.

• *Discuss the pros and cons of their response.

• *Praise their openness in sharing this information with you, communication is so important.

• *Support your child by pointing out all the good that they received and how they can improve their position in the future.

• *Highlight all their personality strengths and how this will help them in later life.

• *Then explore the position of the other child.

• *Discuss the possible reasons why the other child behaved in the way they did.

• *Explore how that other child may have been feeling to react in such a way.

• *Discuss how lucky your family is and that not all families are as blessed with money/values/morals/kindness/insight/empathy/tolerance/ etc. whatever is relevant to you.

• *Encourage your child to be a role model and inspiration to those around them and explain how in the process they may well illuminate the path for others.

• *Model tolerant and empathetic behavior yourself. Be kind to the rude cashier, patient with grumpy people, and polite to the daily irritations in your life. 

• *Discuss these types of incidents with your child. I once dealt with a very irritating/frustrating situation with calmness and kindness, only to have the ‘incompetent’ shop assistant then break down in tears because her father died suddenly the day before. That lady was not incompetent, she was grieving. My kids still talk about this and how relieved they were that we had shown that lady love and kindness instead of being impatient and annoyed.

• Be a shining light of kindness in your day-to-day world and encourage your children to do the same.

• Spread the abundance of love and joy that you have to give. You are a gift to the world and the world will benefit from you, and your children, being in it.

-Cathy.