My Child is Unhappy.

 My Child is Unhappy.

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, ‘Eat, Pray, Love.’

I am stubborn. And by stubborn I mean I hate being told what to do (as my darling husband will happily verify). Some people say that this is my strength; some say it is my weakness. I would say it is my motivation, my driving force, my rocket fuel. 

When people tell me that I cannot do something, I go out of my way to prove them wrong. This has led me to overcome illness, have children, change careers, publish books, move countries, and start a company, just to mention a few things. 

But in some cases, being told “you cannot do this” can have the opposite effect on the person hearing it. Let me explain.

The Mistake.

When I was a child, I was affectionately described as a ‘mistake’. (I prefer the term a wonderful surprise.) My parents had their pigeon pair at the appropriate age and place in their lives, they were complete and content. But when they went from the UK to Australia for a holiday, they came back with a stowaway! 

Being the youngest sibling by ten and thirteen years, I got told what to do and think from a noticeably young age, and by multiple parties. This was hard to endure. When your sister is ten years your senior, bullies and belittles you relentlessly, and frequently informs you that she resents the day you were born, that translates as pressure.

I lived in fear and was the recipient of constant emotional abuse. I behaved in the only way that brought me peace: I tried not to make any mistakes that might be used as ammunition against me in my already chaotic world. I made it so that I could never be told what to do as I had already done it; I never had arguments because I had done nothing wrong; and I pushed my voice way down where it couldn’t be heard and, therefore, couldn’t ‘rock the boat’. 

This was a short-term solution that got me through my childhood, but it had long-term consequences anchored to years of depression and panic attacks in my adult life. The urge to make myself smaller is something I don’t struggle with today, but when I did, it was exhausting. These ridiculously high expectations that I placed upon my child-self, because of the actions of others, kept me in an emotional prison for decades.

It has also had a huge impact on my health. I now have three auto-immune diseases. I am the sort of person that believes that physical illness has deep-rooted emotional triggers. I have taken plenty of pills prescribed by doctors, but until I investigated why I was feeling the way I was, my illness remained dominant. Wasn’t it Sigmund Fraud who introduced us to the term ‘sublimation’? Where we push down emotions, but they later manifest somehow? 

Well, I believe that in me, it manifests in chronic illness. From the age of 18, I have danced with chronic illness. That is when my journey into self-discovery and my thirst for knowledge of the human condition was born.

The Self-fulfilling Prophecy.

I studied Sociology for ‘A’ Level and Degree Level, and it began to open my eyes to a radically different way of looking at the world. 

It introduced me to the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy: the idea that we live up to the expectations set out for us by ourselves and others. Generally, in life, we believe what we are told. This is particularly true for children who are surrounded by people who tell them who they are and who they will become. 

When I first learned about the self-fulfilling prophecy, it resonated with me at every level of my being. I became obsessed with this philosophy and read as much as I could on the subject. I began by focusing on what I was thinking. I had developed a habit of thinking very negatively. I struggled with life, which to me was dark and heavy. I dipped in and out of depression and received a lot of therapy. Could changing how I framed my life change how I felt about it?

What Is Depression?

People ask me what depression is. I think it is a very personal opinion. For me, depression is acknowledging that I have a life that most people would kill for, yet I couldn’t always appreciate it. I have an amazing husband who adores me, beautiful children, a fantastic professional life , my own gorgeous home, wonderful friends, and the list goes on.

Depression is the warped reflection in the mirror that laughs at you. Logically, you know you have nothing to feel depressed about. You feel guilty for having depression. I know that people have lost their children, their husbands, their health and mobility. People are starving, dying, suffering. What right do I have to be depressed? I have everything to be grateful for. 

So, to me, depression is when the logic of my world does not match up with my feelings about my world. The fact that I am intelligent enough to recognize this makes it worse, not better. Throw in the fact that I have training in Counselling & Psychotherapy, and that makes it harder still.

You are Perfectly Imperfect.

People say that I am a bubbly, happy person, and a joy to be around. This is true. I love being around others, I love helping them shine their own unique light on the world. But I also have an introverted side that needs nourishing also. 

My passion for helping other people see and achieve their full potential stems from this place in me as I know I can empower others to liberate themselves from their own struggles. I know what it is like to live in the shadow of the rainbow, if you are there too, please know that you’re not alone.

I am so grateful for my unique experience with depression, as it has empowered me to help so many young people successfully navigate through it to the other side.

When your kids are unhappy

I’ve shared my experiences with you so you can have a clearer understanding of why your child may be withdrawn or sad, and how that child may be feeling. As a parent, you may or may not grapple with depression yourself. If you don’t but your child does, that can be painful and complex for you both. 

Regardless, a child who is consistently unhappy, sad, withdrawn or struggling needs parents who are supportive, patient, and understanding. If this describes your child, here are some strategies you can use to help them through hard times:

• Hold space for them to have dark, difficult, messy conversations in a safe and non-judgmental environment.

• Remember, something may not seem like a big deal for us, but it may be a very big deal to them. Listen to every word, and know being a good listener when they share small concerns reassures them that they can tell you the big things, too.

• Hold space for where they are, but also remind them of who they are at their core. Remind them that this painful time is just another chapter in their ultimate success story.

• Do your best to be a neutral audience. This is easier said than done when our precious ones are revealing the harshest of thoughts, but it is essential that they feel they can be raw and authentic with you. If you react ‘too’ anything (too angry, too sad, too concerned) it can put them off telling you how they’re feeling. Holding difficult feelings unsaid can be catastrophic in a young person's life.

• Celebrate any sign of healing, no matter how small. 

• Create space for the ebbs and flows. If one day they are not doing as well, that’s OK. It will come back. Be patient and kind to yourself and each other.

• Seek medical assistance to get the support that you need. To reach out for help is courageous and is a sign of how seriously you take your child’s wellbeing.

• You are a warrior; you are raising warriors. You’ve got this.

-Cathy